Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
