I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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