Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
