I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He better not be in your backpack
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
