Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
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Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
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Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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