My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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