dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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