How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
