And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
