His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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