Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
