I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
i think my cat just said my name.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
