My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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