1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i wish my penis had a tongue
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So squirting runs in the family.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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