She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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