Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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