I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I checked into jail on foursquare
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
