Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
