After last night, I could never be a politician.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
