I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.