I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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