Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
