am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
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not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
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Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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