his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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