my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
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