I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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