you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
