I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
