I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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