He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
