I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
