The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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