our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
