it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
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