when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I want a musical about memes.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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