I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
