i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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