the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Shame is for Republicans.
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