Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
