I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
