the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
