Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
