He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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