Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
