You made me cry and you don't even care
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you had me at cake vodka
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
