Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Success! We fucked roommates!
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