the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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