ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
