I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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