I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
