oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Randomize
