I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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