i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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