i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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