the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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