you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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